an open door.

I think I've talked about this a lot... that this year has been the year of the other side of the table. My work this year has been about finding dancers, teaching them, strategizing about show schedules, and researching design teams. Running auditions, scheduling auditions, creating sign up sheets, printing sides, making to do lists and trying, each day, to cross some things off. 

Someone I respect very much said to me recently "You have to see what the universe is telling you." The rest of the message was to the tune of when one door closes, another opens. And I heard what he had to say, but a little voice inside of me said "No doors have closed!! Don't listen to that part!"

 

Before the surgery, I had a moment where I thought "You know what? Forget it. It wont come back, this is a sign. I'll find something else to do with my life." I was angry and sad and it felt easier to be in the power position deciding my fate. I quit, for a minute, on the corner of Lafayette and Prince. But there's that cliche..... sometimes it takes losing something to realize what you had? I feel that too. 


This new door that has opened? It's interesting. My brain feels on and I am challenged by it. It is very satisfying to see things get crossed off that list. To see thoughts realized. To have the answers. To be the one given the responsibility to find answers when we don't have them. To choreograph? To direct? To produce? To see the Matrix for a show, all the moving pieces. I've always said I want to be on the ground floor. I've always imagined being the actor with a new playwright, figuring out scenes. This is definitely another way that I get to live that though.

But, to give up on being on stage???? To not stand in the wings like a horse at the gate? To not stand open and available and courageous and share something of myself or someone else across the gap into the audience? To never speak Shakespeare. Or sing a song. Speak a monologue. Do a scene, do a dance! That responsibility to the work, to the material, to the creative team, to the audience and fellow artist. I don't think so. I do think it is my actor brain that enjoys the rest of it. How does this side work? What does it need? What can I give to it? Who else is in the scene? What do they want? How do I help them get what they want? What's the objective here? What is my part?

Oh yea, we are just getting started. 

 

-n.